miahLauren

I always fall for people who are lacking many, if not most, of the “ideal qualities” I look for in a significant other. Honestly, I really love that.

I feel like it proves that people can strip away my shallow desires & make me appreciative of what else there is in a person. Whether it be a sense of humor I don’t come across too often or a way of thinking I never really considered, I love meeting people with a trait that is their own & that they can work like no other.

Maybe that’s what I truly consider an “ideal quality” in someone: The ability to show me what’s really important, what’s truly attractive, & most importantly, what I actually want.

Would my face draw in your eyes if it were hidden behind cosmetics?
Would my smile entice your lips if another hue was painted on?
Would my eyes shine to you if the pigment was from plastic lenses?
Would my skin call to yours if it was sun-stained?
Would my body appeal to your fingers if I was pounds less?

Would any number of changes make you want me any more? Would alterations of my natural state lead me to be more desirable? Would all of this and maybe more make me worth a second look? Would it require me to look like another person to ever be considered “beautiful”?

Would it?

A little reassurance from time to time would be nice. Or is that too much to ask for?

I realize today how little I’ve written as of late. I also don’t draw anymore. Nor do I read. Hell, I don’t do most of the things I love anymore. Once again I’ve put all my time & effort into one thing. Something I do care deeply about, yes, but something I shouldn’t lose myself in. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret having this ‘thing’ in my life, but it is time for a little change.

It’s funny to think I can feel so utterly lost without having that one thing around. Especially since my absence doesn’t provoke anything on the other end. As always, I gave more of myself to something than it will give to me in return. Not out of lack of effort, simply out of the fact that one shouldn’t give too much of themselves away to anything.

This is something I’ve written a thousand ways but it never seems to be enough. I guess I just haven’t fully learned from my experiences yet. Ironically it boils down to one word which I’ve never been good with; moderation.

For me, it’s always all or nothing. From the way I drive to the way I eat; “go hard or go home” is the motto. I can never just enjoy small bits or pieces & giving something only a fraction of my effort is entirely unheard of. You’d think it’d be exhausting.

To be honest, the only exhausting thing is facing the impacts of losing all the things I put the effort into. That’s where I get tired of it. But as it doesn’t come till the end, I keep to my ways hoping there won’t be a brick wall around the next corner every time I take a chance. Maybe, though, after another failure or two, I’ll finally get hit hard enough to learn my damn lesson. Hopefully, though, I can just learn to change right now.

There really is no time like the present. I’ve just got to slow down, stop running & start walking. Acting now is the best move since who knows, maybe that next impact would’ve been me heading right off a cliff.

I must learn to drift.

Just finished Initial D: Fourth Stage. I’ve watched so many episodes of the series over the last couple months.

Onto the Fifth Stage!!!!

lilytrang:

Don’t feel foolish for caring too much,
loving too much,
or being there for someone
who may not do the same,
for you are defying the odds
and that is when you shut down
and to stop caring, loving
or being there for anyone just for the sake
of having it returned to you.

The whole point of loving people
is to endlessly give
without wanting anything in return
because it’s selfless.

Loving people should be selfless
and it will be tiring,
but everything turns out to be okay
and fall apart
and becomes okay again,
and it’ll just be a cycle that repeats.

So don’t feel foolish.
Don’t feel stupid.
You’re not.
You’re daring
and bold
and that’s the beauty
of loving people
to me.

The people I put any sort of emotional investment into are honestly my everything. I’m willing to drop or do anything for them without ever expecting anything in return. They could be toying with me & using me but if I actually care for them, a part of me lies to myself & I’ll keep doing what I do.

It’s just who I am. I have this need to just give pieces of myself away for even the possibility of reciprocation. My happiness & wellbeing are so often such an afterthought that I never even notice how much of myself I lost until they’re long gone & one night it hits me that I’m empty & broken.

All the while, though, a part of me does consciously know what I’m doing. & even though I’m constantly praying for effort to be reciprocated, whether they do or not, I know I’ll still continue to give my all until they walk away.

Most of these people never realize either. They don’t quite realize everything I do for them or at least not how much of myself I put into doing those things. I know they usually don’t mean to. To be honest it’s probably my own fault. I could probably still do these things & show my affection without turning it into an offering of myself.

That is my nature, I guess. One day, hopefully, I’ll meet someone who gives me as much of them as I give them me. Once that happens, the pains I’ve gone through thus far won’t matter anymore I think. Just gotta hold onto enough of myself until then.

When you’re the one who “likes more” in a relationship, it’s tough. A part of you wants to be upset because you feel like they don’t care or that their feelings for you aren’t as strong. You wonder if they are even happy with you or if you’re good enough. Any insecurities you have are always in the forefront of your mind. Sometimes you think that you’re too clingy for them. You want to back off & suppress your urges to show them affection but at the same time you’re scared that if you do, they’ll walk away.

Quite frankly you feel like anything you do will make them walk away.

Maybe you should give up. Maybe the relationship isn’t benefitting you. Maybe nothing will come out of it that’ll make you happy. Maybe all the effort you’re putting in really isn’t being reciprocated.

But maybe that’s wrong. Maybe you two are fine. Maybe they’re just not as good as showing their feelings. Maybe you mean more to them than you think. Maybe they’re actually the one who “likes more.”

Or maybe not.

It’s a constant battle between the two thought trains & it sucks not knowing which is true. Maybe one is right or maybe there’s some truth in both. Either way, it’s hard.

You have two options & both are a risk, but you have to make that choice for yourself.

You can run away & possibly be losing something amazing, or run in head first & just be prepared in case there’s a brick wall on the other side.

I’ve found that my hardheadedness has worked both in and against my favor in the past. I just hope there isn’t a brick wall this time around.

Even when you know something or you’ve known something for a while, it’s so easy to deny the truth of it until the people who are closest to you say the words you’ve been resisting to say yourself.

It really sucks that I hate being alone so much that I just need someone else around me all the damn time. I always feel like such a burden to whoever I latch on to. I just wish someone else has this need too so we could be each others’ “someone.”

I find myself at a loss for words lately. I feel this way & that but the words to describe any of it or express any of this frustration I have is just escaping me. My fingers will tap away at keys but I end up hitting delete & closing the textbox because it never sufficed. Even this isn’t quite doing it but I just.. I can’t change it.

What’s wrong with me?

It sucks for the world to tell you to not lower your expectations for anything but at the same time refuse to ever let your expectations become reality.

We had few memories together, but I can honestly say they were all amazing. I enjoyed the time we had, but it wasn’t right for us to continue as we were. Not now. So I told him the truth. Sadly, it’s led to us deciding to part ways. He doesn’t know how much that gesture he did at the end means to me & it kills me that I don’t get to tell him. I just hope that one day I get to.

I want someone who cares about me even when I don’t care about myself.

To be perfectly honest, I’m frustrated with my education. I honestly don’t give enough fucks to do anything. I’m in a major that I not only have little to no interest in, but also don’t know what the hell I’d apply it to for a career if I were even able to pull through the degree.

My friends tell me I’m just frustrated with my classes, but it’s more than that. If I were to graduate my major & somehow figure out a career to pursue, I don’t even feel like I’d want to work a 9 to 5 job with it. It feels like I’m expected to suffer through school just to suffer through a career which isn’t what I want.

I don’t have any passion to pursue that I’d ever make money off of. I don’t have a skill set that I can utilize to make a living. I don’t have a hidden potential waiting to be unveiled that will turn anything around.

All I have is the desire to get by somehow. Obviously I have hopes for living a somewhat ‘grand’ life, but I do know that I need to be realistic. Even if I bit my tongue & got through school, I might end up sitting in the same spot that I’d be in if I never went to school in the first place anyway. Sure there’s the slim chance that I graduate, find a career, & live well; but who says I can’t find my happy ending through a route that didn’t involve college?

Maybe part of all this is my frustration with classes, but if I’m so distraught over the freshman classes that are supposed to be basic precursors to what’s to come, what more when I’m taking upper division courses? It’ll only get worse from here & I’m already more than halfway to giving up.

So what if I did good in high school? So what if people saw potential in me? So what if I once thought I could do this? It was all a facade that’s now clearing & the reality of my limitations is becoming more & more obvious as I struggle through every damn day here. I think I peaked in high school. It was my prime time. Now that I’m out & at a university, that idea seems not only plausible, but probable. I really believe that maybe I’m just not cut out for college.

In a lonely, empty room crying over someone who doesn’t even know they’re hurting me. Feeling like a failure with no direction. Wishing that I could just give up on everything.

I hate that this is considered ‘normal’ for me. To be this distraught wreck on the verge of mental deterioration. It feels even worse though, at this point in life. I’m in college where the real world feels so close & every breakdown feels like 50 steps back instead of simply pausing.

This time in life is supposed to be make or break & quite frankly, I’m breaking. Slowly & painfully I’m slipping into this black hole of nothingness with no motivation to even finish the last, tiny quarter of this first year. It just doesn’t seem worth it & I don’t know what good it’d do in the long run anyway.

My future honestly seems fucked no matter what.

aaronfortunato:

I feel like a worthless, pathetic piece of shit who is lazy and lethargic and gets little to nothing done. I feel as though I’m preventing myself from doing so much with my life and it’s all my fucking fault. This is bullshit. I feel like bullshit. And I just want someone to tell me to calm the fuck down because everything’s going to fine.

Someone who needs to be needed. Someone who needs to need someone. When these reality checks punch me in the gut, I can’t keep crawling to my bed to cry on my own & hurt myself. One day it’ll just be too much. Sometimes I get scared that day isn’t too far.

The sad thing is that I have come across people who seem to fit this in my life a handful of times. For a while, we went to each other & both knew what to do or say to just make things easier to push through for those pivotal moments where emotions ran too high. Where are these people now? Well, they’re somewhere I can’t reach.

They all may have needed me for periods of time when it was convenient, but when that time ran its course, they decided they wanted out of this contract even though I had welcomed them into my life with the full intention to keep them here. But that doesn’t matter.

I guess they never realized—or maybe never cared—that just because they didn’t need me anymore, didn’t mean I didn’t need them.

I’ve drawn the conclusion that there’s something about me that can always be walked away from. Something that is special for a short time then loses all value in the blink of an eye. Some part that I fear will forever prevent me from having someone in my life who honestly needs me.

That same damn part, though, will always need someone else.

I’ve come to realize that I always need to be emotionally attached to someone. Even months after whatever we had fades, I will hold onto my last interest until a new one comes along. A part of me always wants to love someone I guess. I just can’t love myself so my heart is endlessly trying to give itself to someone else.

And it tries damn hard.

The only problem is that it’s never received. Some people look at it & decide that they just don’t want it. Others don’t even realize it was ever up for their taking. But more often than not, the person sees it, seizes, holds it for a little while, then drops it & walks away.

I always pray things will be different. I don’t want to stop trying to find someone who will hold onto the tiny, decrepit thing & help it restore itself.

What sucks more though, is that everyone would tell me to stop giving it to someone else to fix & do it my damn self, but if that were possible, trust me, I’d be on it. There’s nothing in me worth loving that I can see. Nothing at all. Years & years of being overlooked & walked away from have made me eliminate all possibilities in finding anything good in myself. For a long time now I’ve tried my best to stop seeing things like that & to learn to love myself but it seems I’m the kind who can’t do much on my own to be honest, & loving myself is on that list of “much.”

supjerbear:

Lately I’ve been feeling a bit weird. I feel unmotivated. I feel like I don’t have much to say. I feel like everyone is starting to have their life figured out. I feel like I don’t have many skills that could take me anywhere in life. I feel somewhat unsuccessful. I’m so worried by what my future has to bring me. I don’t want to become so hopeless in the future to the point where I become my own embarrassment. I’m also just tired of going to these stupid classes in school that won’t have an effect to my intended career. Life is so difficult.

      ”But dear, he’s got you all wrong. He’s got you in fancy restaurants when you like two pound burgers straight off the grill. Weekend road trips to Disneyland when the roller coaster you should be riding are the white-water rapids up north. If he really loved you, you’d be laying together on the dock of the lake beneath the stars talking about everything. Talking about nothing. Eighty-five dollar, flower shop bought roses don’t, can’t ever mean sorry. Where’s the care in that fifteen minute trip down the road. He should be out there taking you out on an adventure, picking your own flowers. Keen into learning the things you get excited over. I bet it’s those perfectly cupped white tulips or purple lilies. That’s happiness. That’s the sorry you deserve.

       Because I know you. And sometimes girls like you need to be taken out for a goddam beer, not a bucket of ice cream. Coatless nights sitting on the curb, drunk as hell, and a little talk about all the shit you hate in life. And we should just let you talk and talk until you fall asleep on our shoulders after hours of drunken slurred words. Driving you home, carrying you up your stairs, and tucking you into bed at four after-midnight. That’s sorrow. That’s the comfort you deserve. 

          It’s because girls like you don’t need to be filled with the idea of love, but should rather experience of it. Because watching those cute chick-flicks and horror films in the cinemas are just an idea. But lurking abandoned buildings, hopping over fences, rummaging though dust, and sitting on rooftops with film cameras and cigarettes is an experience. You have impressions, you have feelings, ideas and opinions. Things to share and discuss on a deeper level, intellectually and spiritually. That’s how you truly get to know someone. That’s beauty, That’s the love you deserve.”

The good week I had officially is over. I feel the downhill fall coming now. Why can’t things just keep going the way they were? I don’t want to be sad again..

You just feel like you suddenly mean nothing to someone. Like everything you had & did just doesn’t matter anymore. They seem happier without you than when they were with you & you can’t help but wonder if you brought them down. If you were actually bad for them & that you weren’t good enough.

That realization hits that someone who was once so prominent in your life no longer features you in theirs. That every memory you have is part of a book with no sequel.

Part of you wants to get angry or hurt. You can’t stand being left behind & forgotten like you were nothing.

Then reality hits you. Just because they’re moving on doesn’t mean anything on you. When what’s done is done, the best you can hope for is for both people to move on because the reality is that life goes on whether or not things work out with someone. Spending too much time chasing a memory can eliminate the possibility of creating better ones.

So even if you want to get mad or be hurt, realize that instead of letting it bring you down, they’re freeing you from the burden of preoccupying yourself with them.

They’re letting you go so you can do the same.

it’d be nice to have an anime buddy to watch & veg out with… mostly so I don’t feel like a complete fatass nerd alone.

It’s like a small spark lit up in me recently that’s slowly bringing me to a healthy balance in my life. I can already tell the process will be slow, but if this flicker of motivation just holds out for a little while, I feel like I can get it to be a full blown pusher to balancing out my life. There’s already this feeling of accomplishment slowly building that I hope to top off—just gotta push.

Hell, I don’t know where this boost came from, but it’s a rare thing for me & I really can’t let it slip away from me. I need to seize this while I can. A part of me just knows if I can feed it for just a bit, it’ll burn full blaze & I can put my life together so it’ll finally be time to just enjoy the best parts of all the aspects of my life.

Jetlag made me wake up early. Picked up my parking permit, got ready, went to a class, ate lunch with some friends, went to my other class, went to the guys’ place, smoked hookah, got high, sipped on an awesome mix drink as the guys smashed. & my day has only just begun! Lol

It’s like I’m always put into the best situations at the worst time which makes what could potentially be great into something that falls apart & breaks my heart. I keep trying to be positive & telling myself it’ll eventually work out, but even if things look like the time might actually be right for them.. I still fear they’ll fall apart. I’m too scarred by my past. But I’m not giving up just yet. It may be getting harder & harder to keep putting in the effort, but I’ll be damned if I give in. I deserve to be happy & I’ll make it happen for myself. No matter how long it takes.

As your girlfriend, I will make it my duty to make you turned on at the most inappropriate of times.

shehlovee:

Life is unfair. You put someone first who puts you second. You study your ass off for a final only to get a C. You give 110% to someone in a relationship who only gives 40%. You’re there for a best friend at 3:00am and the next day they don’t pick up their phone. It seems like you’re giving everyone everything and they’re just walking away with it.

I swear, my heart literally stopped when his lights came on behind me. & just before that, he was a block behind coming up pretty fast so I thought he was just some douche tryin to pass me. Then at the light, he stops in the lane next to me but a car behind even tho there’s space in front of him. I was sketched out by then. Once the light turned green, he turned on his lights & I pulled over. I have never been so scared. I turned down the music & rolled down the window. When he came up, he made small talk about our dinner since he saw our BJ’s containers. He of course asked if we drank & the answer was an honest no. Then he asked me for my license. Once he looked at it, he asked if I lived in Temecula still & I told him that I go to UCI & live on campus. Then he says he pulled me over because my tint is too dark, not because of my driving. After that, he asked if I had any questions then let us go. Weirdest shit of my life!

p-l-v-f replied to your post: It sucks that every time there’s someone in my…

They’re not good enough for you

Eh. It really can’t always be the other person. I’m the only consistent factor in these problems so it’s gotta be me.

It sucks that every time there’s someone in my life who I’m close to & who I honestly care about, they always pass up on me for someone better..

What sucks more though is that there is always someone better. I’m always left not for fucking up or anything in my control, but because I’m not good enough. What can I do though? It is what it is & I’m just always going to be sub-par.

I’m not going to be the easiest girl to get with. I mean to get with me, you have to deal with me. It’s no secret that I get pretty annoying. I’m loud & obnoxious a lot of the time & I joke around more than I should. My sarcasm is often taken seriously & my punches start to hurt after enough repetition. Can’t handle it? Then step. I am a pain in the ass & I acknowledge that, but as Marilyn Monroe said, “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best”—or something along those lines.

You see, when I’m not doing my pain-in-the-ass routine, I can be a pretty good friend. I’ll listen to you bitch when you need to bitch. I’ll tell you what you need to hear; no sugar coating, no white lying. I will give you the pure, unadulterated truth. I’ll talk shit with you when shit needs to be said. I’ll be your joker when you’re sad. Shit, I’ll do just about anything it takes to do what a friend is meant to do.

So sure, I’ll bruise you & rape your poor, little ears, but I’ll also support, care for, & be there for you the moment you need me. I guess you can consider me a game: There’s a whole lot of stupid bullshit you gotta get through to get the big prize, but it’s always worth it in the end. There’s that feeling of accomplishment that you have something special that you worked to get & that special something is going to help you reach bigger & better things.

Now comes the big question; Can you handle my game?

It started shitty, but around 6 I got a pool lesson from Bobby which was fun! Then Christine showed up & we all played for a while. Then we headed to Tustin for jbbq! While we waited, found a geocash spot nearby & left a little something behind. Lol That killed our wait time & we finally got in to eat. The food was fuckin AMAZING. Ermahgerd! (x But yeah. I’m satisfied with today now. Haha.

I was so pumped to get out & do something, anything today & now it’s almost 5 & I haven’t done jack shit. The person I was hoping to kick it with has work & the only people who are down to kick it are people I don’t care for. So instead I’m sitting here doing nothing because I dislike solo adventures. Great.

I wish I had more time to devote to the things I like doing. I miss going on random adventures to do photoshoots & reading books for fun & drawing. But no. School does not permit time for such frivolity. It’s a constant stresser that doesn’t leave time for anything else & I honestly hate it.

When I think about it, I honestly don’t like going to school. I know I’m privileged to go to school here & just in general & that it could one day be the reason I live the life I want but.. I constantly question if it’s even worth it. I mean a degree isn’t a guarantee for anything. To be frank, I would love to just marry someone who makes enough money that I didn’t have to work. It sounds bad, but I’m just being truthful.

It’s like education takes up so much time during the years I want to have fun & just be happy but only hinting that it’ll ever pay off. What if I get this degree & can’t find a job? I would’ve wasted so much money, time, & energy for nothing. It feels like a stupid bargain sometimes.

Ugh. I don’t know. I guess I’m just frustrated right now.

I’ve heard it a hundred times before & I’m sure to hear it a thousand times again; I talk too much.

Once I know & am comfortable around a person, I tend to become an incessant chatterbox. It is an extremely big character flaw of mine, maybe even the biggest.

Honestly, I don’t blame people for getting annoyed with me. Who wants to be around one of those kids who never shuts up? Shoot, even I avoid people who talk too much. How could I blame anyone else for doing the same?

I guess this is yet another aspect of my personality that needs changing. If only I could scrap my whole persona & construct a new one.

So forgive me if I say too much, maybe soon I’ll learn to say nothing at all.

I feel like the reason I don’t have many real friends is because most people don’t want me in their life when they find out who I am. When they find out what I’ve done, what I do; it’s not surprising I get cut off. Who’d want to associate with someone like me for too long anyway? I’m the kind of person you keep around to make you feel better about yourself then leave once my purpose has been served.

I guess I’m just a lesson people only care to learn once, & quickly at that.

It’s crazy to think that how I do in school & just with most things in general is all without effort. I don’t try with school as much as people may think I do. Most of my time is spent derping around with my group of friends I only have 1 more year with. They all handle their shit on their own time, but being a freshman, I have it way easier so I just kick it here constantly as people flow in & out of the house.

But what if I actually tried?

What if, instead of just milking the fact I don’t have to try to do okay as a freshman, I actually put in effort? What if I took care of my work before I came to the guys’ place on a daily? What if I didn’t waste so much time drinking with them or playing video games that nothing had to be rushed?

I really believe I’d have much better grades & just a better understanding of what it is I’m learning.

The key I’m missing though, is balance. I could probably have both the social life I love & the studiousness I know I need if I tried. Obviously it’s much easier to just come here whenever & do nothing then do homework or studying the hours before it’s due like I do now, but oh the possibilities of balance.

Hell, why even stop with just my life with these guys? If I wanted, I could even throw in a club or two & possibly gym time without straining myself for time.

For some reason though, I still sit here wasting it. Knowing of the possibilities & their attainabilities. I want to make the change because I know I’ll probably be much much happier if I do.. but I don’t actually do it.

I guess I’m waiting for a push that isn’t coming. I keep an eye out for some force that will get me off my lazy ass when making my life better should be the only wake-up call I need.