miahLauren

Washed car. Got Jamba Juice. Took pictures of car. Failed at camerawhoring with car. Now currently failing at finding someone to get sushi with me. Sadlyfe!!

No destination, no map, just me, my camera, & snacks. Maybe post up at a park for a minute or something. Idk. I just don’t want to be home & I’m tired of my lack of company keeping me from leaving.

You can be texting 10 different people from different places who’ve never even heard of each other & they can still somehow sync exactly when to stop replying to you.

Great way to end the night for sure. Wal-mart fun. Kool-Aid. Light sabers at the park. Good talks. Harry Potter. Cookie dough! The usual for me & Cody. Haha. Sleepy time now!

Goodnight all!

Halfway through the drive, my friend calls me & tells me he’s getting a muthafuckin ZL1 Camaro & I just about died. GAH. This bitch already has an audi too! WTF. I hate you. -____-

Anyway, talking to him now & doing homework. Womp. Late night for miah!

Why the fuck do people feel the need to stop replying to texts messages in the middle of a conversation? Nigga, if the conversation were over, one of us would say “bye” or “I gotta go” or even mothafuckin “ttyl” first. Were none of those said? Then this conversation is not over. Pick up that phone, ho.

LMAO. JK! But really, I do get annoyed that people will just stop replying in the middle of a text conversation. Honestly it’s just rude, especially if the other person is the one who instigated conversation. I mean how hard is it to send a text message every few minutes or to let me know that you’ve become preoccupied. Leaving me hanging is just disrespectful. We’re both civilized persons, are we not? So please, learn some etiquette & just finish our conversation.

Bitch.

danwin:

Don’t waste your time on someone that doesn’t even begin to reciprocate the amount of effort you may invest in them. It’s simply not worth embracing an individual who doesn’t want to be embraced, and it’s not worth your valuable time to commit to a person with your time when you could be doing something else.

You have your agenda, and they have theirs.

*sigh. He’s my wake-up call right now. God knows I’ve needed to hear the shit he’s telling me.

Don’t you love how easily you can just slip into the background on a normal day sometimes. Everyone’s going about their business & you just sit there. No one seems to really pay much mind to you. The people you know are talking to their friends & you’re just kind of in the backdrop. But it’s no big deal. You’re used to it.

The moment you seem even the slightest bit upset or out of it though, the whole fuckin world decides to acknowledge your existence. I mean it only takes a deathly silence, maybe a tear here & there to catch an eye. Guess it shows you just how much they care about you in general.

To be honest, it just makes it seem like someone is only worth a second glance when they are not themselves. Their normal persona is worth leaving in the shadows or alone in the corner, but the moment they become affected by their exclusion they are suddenly worth dinner & a show.

Please, tell me, why aren’t we good enough when we’re just us?

Being a back up for everything gets really old.

The ones who use people. Who they’re friends with at the time is determined by what they can get out of them. They need rides or food or someone to just use as a temporary so they’ll make friends with someone but ditch them the moment they’re no longer a necessity. Yeah, fuck you guys.

The ones who are dumb asses about boys. If a guy is fucking them over CONSTANTLY & to an extreme level, they need to move the fuck on. They can’t keep crawling back on their hands & knees to them & be surprised when they get kicked in the face. Again. They’re creating unnecessary drama for themselves & if they want to keep doing that, they have absolutely no right to keep crying & bitching & whining about how badly they’re getting screwed over. It’s their own damn faults.

Girls like this need to grow the hell up for my sake, the rest of the world’s sake, & their own damn sake. Getting tired of these stupid little brats.

But my blog isn’t a safe place to do so. It sucks having to keep certain feelings pent up inside. Every day gets harder to deal with. What do I do?

is to be the last thing someone thinks of before they go to sleep & the first thing they think of when they wake up. If they are that to you, let them know. Shoot her a goodmorning/night text message or call. Show her that she is special to you. Trust, those simple texts & calls make a world of difference for us.

The kind that I can talk to every day without either of us ever getting bored or annoyed. One who can read my mind & I theirs. Who will understand me as much I understand them. To be honest I’m just tired of being alone in everything.

I want someone who will just sit there & listen to me when I need to be heard. Who will enjoy silence with me when it’s suitable. Who will hug me when I cry. Who will come to me when I need them. Someone who thinks of me as first when they need to talk or have free time. Who isn’t afraid to let me become their comfort. Who will let me be their best friend.

Sadly, I’m a senior in high school. Cliques have been formed & cemented. Bonds have been made & reinforced. Friendships like this are already in effect. I missed out & now I have no one. The best I can hope for is to make this everlasting friend in college. That hope is making me pray for time to go by faster.

I just need a way out from feeling so alienated. I need to know I’m not alone. I need a friend.

So my dad just told me that for my graduation party, he wanted to make it this huge thing with a DJ & setting up the projector & stuff in the backyard. Our backyard is pretty big. We have a pool & my dad loves using any excuse to set up the projector. Plus my parent’s balcony overlooks it all so he wants to set up a DJ up there.

I had to break it to him that I honestly don’t have anyone to invite to a big party (I figure a max of 10 people) so it’d be kind of pointless. Honestly I just figured my graduation party would just be a bunch of family, which was fine with me, but my dad had bigger plans. I feel bad now because he’s trying to plan something big & fun for me but I don’t have many friends so that kind of thing would pretty much be a waste. & to think, we’d probably be able to throw a pretty decent house party if I had a social life.

lol

But I failed oh so miserably. What’s wrong with me?

I, like many others, have a habit of putting myself down. Shit, I’ll be the first to admit that I’m my own worst critic by far & I probably hate myself more than anyone else ever could. It’s pathetic, I know, but that’s just how I am.

Everyone always tells me to stop focusing on such negativity, but it’s just how my brain functions. When I’m surrounded by people who remind me of why I should hate myself or feel like a nuisance every single day, it gets to me. &, when there’s virtually no positives to being me it makes it that much easier to find reasons to keep up my self deprecation.

I’ve honestly tried in the past to work on bringing up my confidence & esteem, it just never stuck. There were once weeks where I was able to keep my chin up & find reasons to be happy with myself. Those times came to pass, though, & I found myself back in the rut. Whether or not I’ll ever get out of it is entirely unknown to me.

I can say this though; if I could make this any other way, I would. I’m tired of feeling like shit. I’m tired of hating myself—appearances & all. I’m tired of wishing to be anyone else. I’m tired of overlooking reasons (that probably.. hopefully exist) I should be content or even happy with my life. I’m just tired.

Sadly it doesn’t seem like I’ll be waking up anytime soon.

Buahah. I love my phone. :3
But yeah, follow! @miahlauren

My mom, uncle & I were talking more about my upcoming college situation earlier. I’ll be doing this Freshman Summer Start Program at UCI starting Aug 4 which basically means I’ll be starting college a month & a half early. I’ll be living on campus & taking 2 classes for 6 weeks. It’s basically a way to integrate incoming freshmen to campus life. Either way, it’s gonna be tough for me to leave that soon. I won’t even be 18 yet! Shiiiiit.

But yeah. Things are panning out for Irvine pretty well. Looking into dorm life & costs which my family will somehow have to swing, but it all looks doable! Plus, my mom & uncle have a couple hook ups in/around campus so I’ll have a couple odd jobs here & there & stuff like that.

Just a few months left until this all happens. It’s crazy to think about. But I’m really excited too. I’ve kind of been wanting another fresh start. The last one wasn’t my best, but I’m going to try really hard with this one. It’s all on me this time & I’m going to make sure I do it right.

& being happy is just abnormal for me.

A swanging CD with the Swangies Final mix & DJ Bsteezy’s Twork & Shuffle in Paris mix. Teehee. & the other one was a sexy time CD with Turnin’ Kisses to Bites by Elaine Ramos followed by some Chris Brown, Trey Songz, & a couple other sexy songs. Lol

Oh yeaaah! Hahah

Crawled into bed as soon as I got home—which was before 3—& haven’t left since. Slept for 7-8 hours. I feel like shit now for wasting my day, but even shittier cause the sleep only made my bad mood worse. Fuck this.

The rain puts me in such a shit mood. I can’t stand it. Especially since California has the genius fuckin idea to make schools “outdoors.” Like what the fuck is this idiocy?! But on top of dealing with this cold, wet weather that makes me want to sit in a corner & cry, I’m putting myself in a bad mindset again so here I am. Laying in bed. Shedding a few tears over nothing. Wishing to go for a drive in the rain up a motherfucking mountain.

I seriously don’t know what to do with myself today. Fuck.

GAH. Cargasms on the bus! lol. I got a couple pictures of one of them, too. Teehee! Saw quite a few STis too but no pictures sadly. xP

Anyway, the Getty is so nice! It was a lot of funn. Home now. Guess I should do homework. Womp.

So today in school actually made me hopeful for this last bit of the year. I was totally burned out right before break & it was just what I needed to get my head back in the game. Only a few weeks left & I know I can do this. I know time is just going to fly by from here on out so it’s time to get ready to run with it. College is so close. I mean I may even be starting the first week of August!

It’s about to be time for the major leagues whether any of us think we’re ready or not. Don’t you figure that after all these years of bullshitting our way through high school, we owe it to ourselves to get out of it as clean as possible so we can finally move on to the next phase of our lives?

C’mon class of 2012, we’re so close! Let’s just floor it already so we can get the fuck out. The world is waiting.

No reason to stay awake. I had a good day, but now my mind is slipping back into negativity. My one hope for keeping myself out of it got shot down so I guess I’m going to sleep feeling like shit.

Ugh. & school’s about to be back. GREAT. Fuck this.

It’s no secret that I don’t have a passion; sports are definitely not my thing, neither is music, nor art, nor anything else for that matter. My time & attention goes to whatever presents itself. When nothing does, I’m left with myself & free time, but nothing to do.

How will I get through my days when I don’t have an escape? When I don’t have something that helps set my world right? When my heart realizes that it has no reason to keep beating.

I need to find a hobby or a passion that will help take me over. Everyone else in my life is so busy with their own that frankly I’m being left in the dust. So sad to not have a talent or skill that I can make into something amazing. No, not me. I’m just an inanimate block standing around without a driving fire nor a partner to stand alongside me even in blissful silence.

I’m incomplete.

Guys.. What’s church?

LMFAO. That’s so bad. My family hasn’t gone to church in years! We went sporadically back in VA, but we don’t honestly go to church.. Idk. This is weird. To be honest, I’m not a person of faith so church isn’t exactly where I envision my Sunday morning, but it’s what my mom wants to do.

Guess we’ll see how this goes.

No, not on accident. I just feel like the post was worth typing, but not worth putting up. This is a rather frequent occurrence, too. Oh well. To all those posts that never made the cut, we salute you.

That feeling in your chest that something’s off. Your body knows that their touch is gone & your ears crave their voice. Nothing feels the same & everything reminds you of them. All you can think about is the distance between you & the reasons for your separation. You wonder constantly if they’re thinking of you or if you even cross their mind. The possibilities of what can go on with them when they’re not with you seem endless, meanwhile you feel like your world has been shut down without them.

But as much as you feel this way, you hate to be clingy & you hate to suffocate them so you say nothing. When they don’t speak to you, you hold your tongue. When they seem even the slightest bit annoyed, you give them all the space they need & more. When you can tell they’re fine without you, you stand there waiting to be needed. All because you know that even if you’re hurting, it doesn’t mean that they are too.

& to be honest that probably hurts more than anything.

So many days spent in bed doing absolutely nothing. *sigh. I need to get my shit together.

Who’s down?!

Hated it.

Being around cigarette smoke doesn’t just make me cough, it gives me a headache & just flat out puts me in a bad mood. I cannot stand that shit at all. It’s disgusting. I mean it smells like shit, gives you nasty breath, makes you need to spit a lot, is entirely detrimental to your health, & honestly doesn’t seem to do any damn good for anyone.

The other thing that really gets me about smokers is when they smoke around others. Your secondhand smoke is slowly breaching bystanders’ bodies & the problems you’re causing for your own are being forced onto them. I don’t know why you’re letting your stupid decision affect the health of others around you. That’s some fucked up shit.

Maybe it’s just my inability to comprehend why people feel the need to inhale toxins into their lungs that makes me so adamantly against it, but then again, why the fuck do people feel the need to inhale toxins into their lungs. How does that sound appealing in any way?

I’m not trying to be demeaning—I know many people who smoke & I do not believe it has any affect on their character—but smoking is just a life choice I simply do not understand.

I always wonder if the people who have let me go in the past have ever regretted it. Even once, did they wish I was still around or that they had acted differently? It’s selfish, but I hope someone did. The thought of being left by so many people & not having any of them give even the smallest shit hurts. It’s all assumptions, but the sad truth it that it’s very likely that most—if not all—have been satisfied with their actions while my feelings were inconsequential.

Goes to show you my worth, doesn’t it?

Full tank of gas. Money. Charged camera.

Empty schedule.

& since I don’t know how I’m going to spend my time, I’ve been laying around my room in my underwear waiting for a plan or idea or something. Anything. Guess this is how I’m spending my day. LOL

Friendships are beautiful things. To have a friend is a gift. One even more so than family in a way seeing as a friend is earned whereas family is often a given. How anyone can ever take such a relationship for granted is beyond me. Maybe it’s my experience of living a life without friends that makes me feel like they are such a valuable aspect of life, but I still feel it ought to be a given.

A friend is someone who voluntarily stands by your side, listens to you, keeps your secrets, & just shares life with you. They’re part of a relationship that should withstand the test of time, distance, & life, not be thrown away over an idiot’s inability to realize how important what they have is. Though it is a matter of natural selection which distinguishes who ultimately deserves it, this game always involves two or more people & having that other person(s) take the blowback of one’s idiocy is simply tragic.

Don’t be that idiot. Don’t take it for granted. At the end of the day, there truly is a right & wrong. Which side do you want to be on?